Day three of fasting is at a close.. I tanned today again and imagined that the acrylic beneath me was cracking from my weight. I kept reaching down to feel my hip bones, making sure I hadn't suddenly expanded to whale-size. Sometimes when I am laying in bed, I can FEEL in my mind that I am growing bigger and bigger, until I am 800 pounds.. and then I imagine myself shrinking from that until I am nothing but a sliver of light..eventually dissapearing. It makes me realize how incredibly deep my eating disorder has ingrained itself into my brain. Scary really, but at the same time comforting, being constantly reminded that this is my purpose.. this is what I'm meant to do. I know its all a lie, but for the few minutes each day that I beleive it, I feel like I really am accomplishing something.
I also discovered today that I am significantly shorter than my medical records state. I am actually only 5'5 (and a half.. but I refuse to count that). My medical records have me pegged at 5'7! What an outrage.
I have now been betrayed by the scale this week, and deceived by the tape measure as well.. The only thing I can TRUST is hunger. Hunger is concrete. Hunger is tangible. Hunger never lets me down. I will weigh in tomorrow on the most-accurate-scale-in-the-world (supposedly, but certainly more accurate than mine). I have to walk all the way to the mall again, but I am determined to see the 80's in the next three weeks. I have to. There is no other option right now except for a complete mental breakdown. I know I will feel safe there for now.