Saturday, October 16, 2010

Trust me, I'm a compulsive liar.

Starving. Not hungry. Im fine.  Starving.  Everything's fine.

24 hours.. Nothing looks small enough to eat..
36 hours.. I could eat the whole kitchen in one bite.
52 hours empty...If I eat I'll wake up in Hell. I know it. I can feel it in my bones.

So here I am, possibly growing crazier by the second.. or is my mind getting clearer? How do you tell?
I have had the WORST heart palpitations EVER today.. I felt like someone shot me point-blank with a buck-shot. I sank down on the couch clutching my chest and could feel my heart thudding like a fucking bass drum on drugs. 30 seconds. Felt like a month. I one-hundred-percent though I could possibly have been having a heart attack..The scariest part about it is that I wasn't scared.

I also stared at myself in the mirror and screamed silent attrocities at myself for about 15 minutes until I snapped out of it.  Isn't it great that this is what I have to BLOG about on my DAILY blog about MY LIFE? God,  it makes me sick how fucking pathetic I am.

There is nothing remotely attractive about this illness, about me, or about my life.

So, to end on a happy note.... well, I'll try harder to do that tomorrow.


  1. After 36 hours I have the same feeling.Just that I do eat it >.< and after that I binge until I get sick...

    I`m sorry(that`s depressing,if i`m going to say this world in all the post..but it`s even more depressing when you see,read and know that you can`t help because you`re in the same boat..ok maybe the neigbour one)..and take care of you.

  2. I felt the exact same thing yesterday with the heart paltitations. I swore I was having a heart attack but the only thing I could think about was that if i died I wouldn't die skinny

  3. I know how you feel, lovely.
    Stay strong.

  4. I totally get it. Ed sucks but for some reason we can't let him go.

    Stay strong!

  5. aw hun ive been scrolling through your blog
    not that im a stalker /;
    haha and i understand
    keep it up