Saturday, October 2, 2010

"Oh I'm hungry, it's just self-abuse"

Day two fasting is at a close for me.. It is 9:30 pm. I don't feel hungry or jittery or anything right now.. I am hoping tomorrow I can wake up and FEEL something.. FEEL the hunger, FEEL the dizziness...We do so much in this world just trying to feel.. whenever I eat I feel nothing.. I could eat a cracker or I could eat a cheeseburger..I could keep going and going and still- feel nothing. It is starting to get like that with starving.. Retriction isn't enough, I am starving harder and harder for longer periods of time in an attempt to feel it. I want to feel sick and I want to feel empty..I want to feel the burn, the drug of empty euphoria..
This is what happens when I have binged in the past as well.. I start off with something small, and I don't feel any change, I don't feel anything amazing happening because I'm eating.. so I eat more and more and more..and I still can't feel it in my mind. I still FEEL like a vast emptyness.. more and more food. Nothing changes. Then the dark, slimy guilt slowly washes over me until I am neaseous, sweating, panicking.
What is it we are trying to so tangibly feel? what is it that we want? what is this feeling that we somehow think we can get from "one more cookie" or "one more day of fasting"... We can never find it. There is something inherently wrong with me, and the only thing I can do to feel lifted above it is to starve and wither.
My hair is falling out, my nails are soft and flimsy, my immune system sucks..I cough up bile and am constantly having stomach pains of one type or another.. yet when I am starving I feel like I am wearing a suit of armour.. I can deflect blows from anything. My mind tells me all day what a piece of shit, disgusting pathetic nothing I am.. and I take it! I take it with stride!
I feel empowered by self-abuse.

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