I was given a mini-intervention and interrogation, including:
- "what ARE you going to do with your life"
- "Do you realize you are ALMOST 20"
- "Do you think your eating disorder is back?"
These are all useless, rhetorical questions.
(correct answers: (a)starve,(b) yes, (c)never left.)
After a lovely screaming session from the family, I was aked to JOIN them for dinner.
This never happens. It is generally understood that I do not,can not, must not eat with the family.
So, place-mat set. Dinner served. Name called. Obligation carried out. I smiled, trying to put the last hour of screaming behind us all. It was as though the moment the food touched my mouth, my plate was suddenly empty.. Then the cookie plate was empty.. then my glass of sickly acidic orange juice. gone.
The plates and glasses were empty but I was full.
When I am full of food I am full of rage. full of hate. full of writhing nausea. full of shit. anxiety levels rising. panic sets in.
I went upstairs and purged for the next 3 hours. brilliant.
This follows another recent episode of acting out on bulimic tendencies. Disgusting, and unfortunately, the only thing I have in my life to write about. I can't handle dinner, how the hell am I supposed to handle a job? (yet another useless, rhetorical question.)
The interrogation jabs from earlier are still swimming in my mind.. I want to start a clothes line- a brand. I want to make other people feel good about themselves while I wallow in self- deprication. I want to make money. I want to be known for something other than my eating disorder. I would love to work at some swanky store and make friends and go out and have them invite me for coffee "after work".. I could almost live like a REAL person....
you do not deserve these thoughts
Too bad I'm not. Daydream over. Back to reality.
I am fasting again. monday, tuesday, wednesday. I am banishing the beast from this house, I need some peace of mind.. I am not worrying about food for three days. This is a short period of time to fast and will simply calm my shaken body and nerves..
....What a smooth justification for abuse.