Thursday, October 14, 2010

Heavy Inside

Today would have been fasting day four.. Instead I ate thick, heavy, horrible all-bran cereal while my whole family sat and watched me swallow each bite.  lovely.

This was the second mini-intervention of the week. My father came home today and challenged my claims that I was "totally fine"..He weighed me on our crappy bathroom scale (which I PERSONALLY know is incorrect, but nonetheless).. 96 lbs.  (BULLSHIT I am higher, I know it..the satan-scale says so.)
Weigh-in was followed by the somber eating-of-the-cereal-under-supervision.
My younger (14) sister kindly pointed out that "everybody in this family treats her like a child because she is fucked up in the head"..  TRUE  ....Nice choice of words.

SO, there we have it. The clock is ticking by the minutes and I can still feel the cereal, heavy inside me.
I hate this feeling. I want it to be tomorrow. I want to be 6 days starving. I need to be empty.
I am doing another (AT LEAST) 3 day fast starting tomorrow.. (friday)..
I will be gone and out of the house, I will make myself UNAVAILABLE.
There will be no more of this family-watching-all-bran shit for me. Everybody just needs to focus on their own "stuff" and let me whither. I am 19 and as my youger sister so sweetly put it I am FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

Now we know.. so move on, move along, get on with your lives.
I am perfectly content to stay here, on the yellow brick road, forever.

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