Saturday, October 2, 2010

This is WAR

This shit sucks. I am caught up in a whirlwind with my own head right now. I just want to get on with this next week, be a clean slate. Im really thankful that Im on the second day of a fast because that is the only thing tying me down to the real world. I can't help but keep revisiting this whole messed up scale situation... I really want to get to the mall and weigh in on the accurate one-dollar-per-weigh scale. GOD it is just eating me alive to think that I could be four pounds heavier than I thought I was. I have to go with this new higher number and defeat it. I am defeating it this week.
                              102, 100, 98, 96, 94, 92 , 90.
This is my plan for the next 3 weeks. I know I would feel much safer under 90 right now, but I don't want to start stirring shit up around me either.  I AM DEFINITELY NOT FEELING FUCKING SAFE AT 102.
This is a bunch of bullshit! I was content thinking I was 98 and IM NOT. Pardon the outburst, but I am really pissed at myself for beleiving my stupid piece-of-shit scale. 

Ill have today and sunday to get it to 100.. then ill do 4 lbs/week for 2 weeks which will have me at 92.. and then the third week will be a minimun loss of 2 lbs to get to 90.

Generally speaking I am content with the self-abuse of starving and not overly concerned about the numbers on a daily basis.. BUT, now I have been tricked. I have been deceived.. and I am in fighting mode to PROVE to all the scales in the world.. and my own head.. that I can be safely back in the double digits, and teetering on the 80's within the next 3 weeks.

I know this will not make me happy, but it will make me feel much safer and cut down a lot of anxiety for the time being. so there.

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