I have cleaned obsessively today and other than that done NOTHING. I have spent hours sitting here on my ed community sites. I couldnt find the energy or confidence to get myself to the dollar-a-weigh scale.. I MUST make the trip tomorrow.. I have to do it.
I have had about 9 cups of coffee and an equal ammount of cigarettes so far.. I am definitely feeling the jitters right now, which keeps me calm in some strange way. I know that if I eat, my starving perfect world with come crashing down and I'll be shoved rudely into reality and I know that I CANNOT handle that..
So, here I am at 6 pm.. 48 hours of nothing but coffee and nicotine. and 48 more hours to go until I break back into another period of anxious restriction. It would be so much easier if I could just fast forever..I wouldnt have to worry about calories and planning. I know that at some point it will come to that. At some point I will just NOT break the fast and end up like 30 years old in a coma or something.. I hate thinking that way, but I really can't see any other way out of this ed-bubble that I am trapped in. I feel like we are an interchangable being- my eating disorder and I. This is all I am.
Oh well, enough whining... I am going to make another cup of coffee and smoke another cigarette and try not to think too hard.