Nobody can get close to me.. People who WANT to just end up slamming into the eating disorder bubble that forever surrounds me.. People who don't want to can't even see me through the glass. People who WANT to THINK they are close to me have to settle for pretending.
I push everybody away in a quiet, under-handed fashion that nobody can quite put their finger on.
Nobody walks away thinking I'm mean or rude or obnoxious.. But everybody walks away. The majority of them probably don't even know why.
I know why.. Because I am a selfish, lying, self-absorbed, self-abusive, self-isolating, obsessive, pathetic, hungry, manipulative, manic-depressive robot. I doubt I'm even a PERSON anymore. I am certainly not worthy of the term. I have cheated myself. I cheated the game of life and now I'm stuck in check-mate forever. I can't go anywhere. I am inside my eating disorder box and nobody knows where the lock is, let alone the key. I probably ate it, then purged it.. and flushed it down the toilet, into the ocean. "oops."
I went to the mall today again, after 3pm. BIG mistake. Kids everywhere. People everywhere. Highschool girls staring at me. Or were they? Do I just PERCEIVE these things? Do they think I am normal? Do they think I am sick? Do they care? Do I care?..... who cares.
I stood in line at a store for 10 minutes to buy cigarettes. It felt like DAYS.
I had that strange feeling again that I was growing fatter and fatter every fraction of a second that passed.
Sometimes I really think that I am too far down the rabbit hole...far too far...passed the point of no return..and that was years ago.
I saw too many things today. Too many normal, functionally content people. People my age, working jobs, driving cars, going places, living. People who think real thoughts, in their own sane, healthy brains.
Healthy hearts, healthy blood-pressure.. but they aren't even worried about that.. They are worried about what they are going to DO tonight... who they are going to HANG out with.. What's for DINNER...When they can buy that new PHONE they really want so they can text all their BFFFs and go clubbing on Friday...or Saturday... because they are BUSY Friday doing REAL PEOPLE SHIT.
I wonder what that's like.
No, actually I don't.
I'm not capable of it.
I can't even imagine what it might taste like.